My collection is something a little personal to me, I guess. I have a lot of feelings about the person which this collection shared with; she caused a lot of pain in her wake and I think what bothers me the most is she didn’t care to look back. I’m going to try and make a long friendship short but still try and show how messed up it was.
A few years back, my family and I moved from one town to another in NJ. This took place right before entering high school. Like most teenagers with a group of close friends, I was very against the move. But that didn’t matter in the end. We moved.
And that was when I met the best and worst friend I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I say pleasure now because she taught me a lot about myself; things I liked and things I really hated about myself. She approached me, we both liked anime, were both stuck in this microcosm of a school, and quickly became best friends.
The first few years of our friendship, they were amazing. We had so many laughs, we cried together, we were like sisters and could always sense if something was wrong with one another. When I look back on our friendship, this is what makes me so incredibly sad. We had a really great, pure friendship. We weren’t bad kids, we were actually really great kids. We didn’t do drugs, we didn’t go to parties. We hung out in her parent’s basement, played video games on a huge projector, card games, board games, all kinds of fun things with her and a few others. We went on adventures, played frisbee, tried new foods from different cultures. We made promises to each other that we thought we would keep. We thought we would be there for each other in the long run.
We were both really goofy kids. She was a bit more outgoing than myself but that didn’t stop us from being awesome friends. We hung out every day. She had two dogs, one of which she took care of way more than the other. I remember that a lot. I always felt bad for the other pup left alone in his cage.
Things started taking a turn a few years into our friendship. She started becoming sick. She would never tell me what was wrong. But she always made it a point to tell me how much pain she was in and how she suffered. Maybe I didn’t realize the severity of her sickness… It made me frustrated that she wouldn’t tell me what’s wrong with her. I didn’t feel like the close friend I thought I was anymore and she still refused to tell me. When I look back on this, I feel I really was a bad friend. Maybe I didn’t help her enough or I just didn’t do enough given what I knew. I was a bad friend. I’m sure the end of our friendship was caused by bad friendship on both ends.
She stopped coming to school because of it. She had to be home schooled. During this time, we still spoke and hung out a lot but something was different. She turned to religion, I turned to my friends and family. She became more and more religious, putting her friends down quite often when it came to moral decisions like abstinence, purity, etc. People were hurt by her words and I couldn’t stand by this person that I thought I knew. I have my own morals but I would never judge or exile someone because of personal decisions. I could not see eye-to-eye with her on this and she was so adamant about it, she couldn’t be convinced otherwise.
I don’t blame religion for this at all; I blame the person. I didn’t like change, so breaking away was slow, painful, and full of moral brainwashing.
It was difficult to watch the amount of change occurring. Someone who was once open to all kinds of people, suddenly became this beacon of hatred unknowingly. A complete 180.
My second year of college, I cut ties with her. I found her ideas were getting under my skin. They were ruining me, making me think I was never good enough at anything I did. I spent so much time reaching for made-up BS morals, I never aimed high enough and it ate at me like a parasite. It wasn’t good for my health. It wasn’t good for people around me; I was a negative person who didn’t give anyone a chance, even myself. It was really depressing. Eventually, she had unfriended all of our once close friends. Everyone except me. It ate away at me… I unfriended her before she could unfriend me. It sent me into crippling depression for nearly 2 years, the worst years of my life.
Being friends with her taught me a lot about people though. And about myself. Two years after cutting ties, I felt like I had rid myself of old skin. After the depression, all I wanted to do was improve myself for me, not for others.
My collection is based on happier times. It is a set of notebooks we shared with one another before the beginning of the end. I have way more of her notebooks, she has more of mine. I never managed to throw them out regardless of how many times I’ve thought about it. Despite how terrible of a friend she ended up being, we did have a lot of fun. My collection of notebooks are actually hilarious and funny. I hope I can find that kind of friendship again in my lifetime but I am okay with it being a memory as well. People change and move on and that’s just how life is.
Below are a few snippets from the notebooks. Things I find the most hilarious.